


The Weapons of War

by Daegaer



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Fallen Angels, M/M, Philistines, Tanakh - Freeform, iron age Israel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-10
Updated: 2005-01-10
Packaged: 2018-11-19 08:10:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11309298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daegaer/pseuds/Daegaer
Summary: Crowley knows a winning side when he sees it.





	The Weapons of War

The Philistines had chariots of iron, and tough little ponies that could pull those iron chariots across a battlefield faster than any enemy wanted. They had armour and helmets of bronze, and swords of good, strong iron. They had generals and heroes and ritual boasts and glorious single combats and blind singers to commemorate all that glory and metalwork in thousands of hexametrical lines. The enemy had farmers with hoes. Crowley stretched and yawned. This wouldn't take long.

He stood behind the kings and watched them review their troops. The king of Gath had a strong mercenary contingent, and Crowley looked at the mercenary general in distaste. What business did famous and dedicated Philistine killers have suddenly turning their coats and working for the Philistines? It all seemed a bit too convenient to him, and he didn't fancy his lads' chances if an enemy force were allowed to march into battle with them. He leaned quietly to whisper in the ear of the most cautious of the kings.

"Is this not the man of whom they sing, _Saul has slain his thousands and David his tens of thousands_? How better for this man to reconcile himself to his lord than with the heads of these men here?"

The king of Ashkelon gave a little jump as if someone had just walked over his grave and repeated Crowley's words in a breathless voice. The other kings rolled their eyes, and Crowley had the man say it again in a calmer tone. The king of Ashdod looked closer at the well-turned out mercenaries, each man equipped with a good sword and armour courtesy of the king of Gath.

"Remember the garrison at Michmash," Crowley said. "Israelite mercenaries _defect_."

"I'm not going into battle with traitors behind me," the king of Ashdod said. "This man has already turned against one lord, what's to stop him doing it again?"

And that was that. No matter how much the king of Gath argued that _his_ mercenaries were different, the army was now Philistine only. Crowley grinned humourlessly at the frustrated anger on the general's face.

"I'm on to you," he said, letting the man see him clearly. The man turned away, ignoring him. Fine. As long as he and his private army stayed well out of the battle, Crowley was happy enough.

He turned his attention back to the kings. They had their helmets on now, and were climbing into their chariots. The lightly armed charioteers tied the long reins round their waists, and the kings took up their spears, balancing easily on the chariots' woven leather floors, ready to be delivered to the carnage. Crowley spared a last glance over at the enemy forces. It was easy to see where the king and his sons were; they were the only ones with iron swords and were wearing pieced-together captured Philistine armour.

"Straight at them lads," Crowley said, satisfied. "They're only bloody infantry."

The kings lifted their spears and raised the war-cry, high and wavering over the field of coming battle, and the host of the Philistines charged at the sweating, trembling farmers. Crowley didn't bother to watch; it was a foregone conclusion.

So much for the ineffable plan.  


* * * * * * * * * *

 

According to 1 Samuel, David and his private army were indeed present at Mt. Gilboa, where Saul and his sons died in battle against the Philistines. David had been working as a mercenary for the king of Gath for some time, and was refused permission to fight by the other Philistine kings, on the grounds that he wasn't the sort of man a king should trust. The Philistines had had a bad experience with Israelite mercenaries before, when the ones employed at the garrison at Michmash defected back to Israel's side after Jonathan's daring raid (1 Sam 14).

The Philistines are fairly Greek here - their pottery and architecture resemble that of archaic Greece, Goliath of Gath dresses and acts like a Homeric hero, and the king of Gath who employs David is given a rather interesting name: "Achish," it's been suggested, is the Hebrew spelling of "Akhaios" - "Achaean".

And finally, the Greek war cry is that sound Xena yells going into combat.


End file.
